One can say that it is my transformation story or my testimony that I can say how things have changed in my life. But, I call it my new beginning. But before I begin, here is a little background about myself. I grew up without a father. My parents were divorced a little while after I was born. But growing up without a father did not seem to have an effect on me when I was growing up until I hit my pre-teen years. Hatred against my father built up inside of me and left a hole in my heart that affected me throughout my life, especially my life with Christ.
It took a few retreats, a close friend and a heartfelt confession for me to remove this boulder in my life that was blocking me from having a personal relationship and intimacy with Christ. As a result, for the past 5-6 years of my life, I have been a new creation in Christ, living my life to proclaim His word in any way that I can. That is my testimony of how I came to know the love of God. But naturally, a life with Christ is a roller coaster, one with a lot of struggles, obstacles and decisions to make along the way; as expected, sometimes it is hard to keep your faith alive during tough times in life. But regardless, it is a part of you, a foundation we should have and quite frankly, it’s what makes you who you are. That road is your life--your life is your testimony.
A few months back, in October of 2017, I was going through a really rough time. There was a lot of stuff going on at school, at home and at church. Overall, I just felt that everywhere I went, I felt no peace. At school, my friends were going through broken friendships and I was the middleman just sitting there awkwardly at lunch. At home, I had the typical pressure from my family to do well in school and concerns about my extended family in India. At church, I was facing a lot of trials and a lot of denial from my friends ever since I came to know Christ. I was felt as though I went through a desert experience and Satan really putting me in a sense of rejection from my surroundings.
I felt as if though no one cared about me, except my mother. Through all of this unrest within my heart, I found myself crying every night and thinking about how miserable my life was to battle on my own. One day, all my hurt and pain got the worst of me and I came to the conclusion that I had only one choice left and that was to end my life. I felt like I had nothing to live for.
For me, even the THOUGHT of doing such a thing scared me. At first, I was like, no, this is the only thing that will rid me of all my troubles and no one would even care if I did do something like that. But then, I started to doubt if it was going to be worth it, as what I believe Holy Spirit was even working in those little thoughts. Because of all these doubts that were going through my head, I decided to text one of my really close friends who is like a big sister to me. I remember sending her a long message over text about all that I've been feeling and she replied back discouraging me in every possible way. In the end, she basically ended up saying that life gets hard and for some reason, it was super hard for me at that one point in my life, but I just had to pull through and let Jesus take the wheel. Ending it all wasn’t supposed to be an option. After she said this I was kind of okay, but at the same time, I was still pretty down. So I asked God to send me a sign and tell me what I was supposed to do. That was when another friend of mine sent me a song. It was super out of the blue and it was sent so quickly to me. It is called “Reckless Love” by Cory Asbury from Bethel Music. I listened to the song and I cried my heart out. That song was the sign I was waiting for. That song told me that even if no one in the world loved me, not even my own mother, God would love me regardless. I could not hold myself together after I heard that song. I immediately told my friend everything that was going on and a few days later he called me and we talked about it.
After I told him why I came to that stupid decision, he gave me the standard words that someone would tell you if you wanted to end your life. “YOUR LIFE IS NOT IN YOUR HANDS”. I didn’t want to hear the words that I knew inside of me was true so I began to feel myself get irritated and later hung up the phone. But as I started to think about it, I realized that what he said was right. What he said, what my other friend said, all of it was right. I just had to take that first step and make an actual effort to ask God to help me out. (Matthew 7:7)
It took a while, but I learned to love my life for who I am. I’m not going to lie, but there were times after that, that I considered ending my life. But every time I thought about it, I would get down on my knees or find a quiet spot and either sing or listen to the song “Reckless Love” to remind myself that no matter what, God is there for me and he has, is, and always will walk by me every step of the way. But regardless of my change of heart, there was something else on my mind that wouldn’t stop bugging me: my mom.
My mom and I have a special bond. Living my whole life with just my mom and I really helped develop this strong mother-daughter bond that is super hard to be broken. I share everything about my life with my mom. From the high points to the low points, she knows everything about me. So keeping such a big secret about the struggles I was going through in my life from my mom was really hard on me. Around April 2018, I got up the nerve to tell my mom about everything that happened. I sat her down and I poured my heart out. Naturally, that came along with a bucket of tears on my part, but the one thing that surprised me the most was that through it all, my mom didn’t shed a single tear. After I had finished she said, “Do you want to know a secret? I knew.” I had no idea how she knew! She called it mother’s instinct but whatever it was, she knew about what I was going through and she was unceasingly praying for me. She had the faith that the Lord will take care of every bit of my struggles and have a protection around me throughout my life because she knew He had a greater plan for me. Something I realized at that moment is that the love of a human can only be so limited, but the love of Christ still stands and constant all throughout our lives no matter what.
My brothers and sisters in Christ, we all reach points in our life where times are tough, but ending it all is not the answer. You may not know it, but there is always someone who loves you for who you are and His Name is Jesus Christ! It is not enough to live your life saying that there is a God upstairs who loves you, but you have to believe and live in it. Surround yourself with people who encourage you, inspire you, and push you to keep going in life, no matter how hard it gets. Christ brings those people to you for a reason. (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12) You will be surprised by how much of an impact those people may have on your life. I know I was. As a result, I am a new creation. The old has gone, and the new has come! (2 Corinthians 5:17)